Skip to content

I Didn’t Know

June 8, 2012
by

It kills you to see them grow up.

But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.

~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams


I didn’t know what I was doing. When they handed you to me, I couldn’t believe they trusted me to take care of you.

I didn’t know how much you were going to change my life. I didn’t know that the life I had, the life I knew, was gone. Forever gone. And in its place was something amazing. Something worth giving up everything up for.

I didn’t know how much you would change me. I didn’t know that suddenly, all decisions I made, I made with you in mind. I didn’t know how hard those long, sleepless nights would be.

I didn’t know I would still have them, all these years later.

I didn’t know how incredible you would turn out to be. How talented, how athletic, how funny, how sweet, how witty and sarcastic and kind and generous . . . I didn’t know how wonderful you would be.

 

I didn’t know there were different weights of baseball bats. I didn’t know about the flex of a hockey stick. I didn’t know the rules of basketball. I still don’t.

I didn’t know how much you would drive me crazy. I didn’t know how much you would challenge me, anger me, wound me, frustrate me.

I didn’t know how much you would teach me about patience. I didn’t know how hard learning patience would be.

I didn’t know a child could live, much less grow to 6 feet tall, eating nothing but chicken wings and macaroni and cheese.

I didn’t know you would grow to 6 feet tall.

I didn’t know how fast these years would fly by.

I didn’t know how winning that mother of the year award would change, from giving you a simple hug and a kiss when you were little to ordering you pizza for dinner while you are at work now. I didn’t care, so long as you awarded it to me, even if that award came via Twitter.

I didn’t know how much of me would be in you.

I didn’t know that you would take so much of my heart.

I didn’t know how much every challenge you faced, every hurt you felt, every disappointment you endured, would affect me.

I didn’t know how extraordinary it would be to watch you grow for these last 18 years. I have seen that sweet little baby change into a happy little boy. I have sent that happy little boy off to school and watched him grow and change, from a kindergartener to a senior. I have seen that boy play baseball and hockey, dress in a dance costume and perform a halftime show.

I didn’t know I was going to have to see that.

I didn’t know how good of a dancer you were.

I didn’t know how much it was going to sadden me to know that this chapter of your life is over. Today you graduate. Tomorrow you turn 18.

I didn’t know how hard it was going to be to let you go. I have to step back and let you spread your wings and fly. I have to let you find out who you are meant to be.

I didn’t know how much I would love you. I thought I did. I thought I knew the extent of a mother’s love. I didn’t.

I do now.

Advertisements
No comments yet

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: